Boundaries
‘No’ is a complete sentence ~ Anne Lamott
In my work with adult clients, a frequent theme that arises during sessions is that of boundaries. They are the limits we place to protect our needs, our hearts, our bodies, amongst others. Few of us have learned healthy boundaries during our childhoods, and the effects can be felt throughout our adulthood. There are many challenges in establishing and maintaining boundaries, but the most common complaint is what I would like to challenge.
The primary objection to setting boundaries is that it’s ‘selfish’. For the purpose of clarity, I’ve included the definition below:
Selfish:
1. concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others
2. arising from concern with one's own welfare or advantage in disregard of others
Boundaries may feel selfish because we’re doing it for our benefit- but not exclusively. Boundaries do not excuse you from helping your fellow humans, or being of service to others. Boundaries prevent you from adopting (sometimes, outright stealing) other peoples’ problems. When we take another person’s problem as our own, that is not helping them- it’s enabling them. When we take responsibility for others’ problems, we are taking away their opportunity to solve it. Robbing someone of their problems also robs them of the opportunity to learn, to grow, to gain self-efficacy and take credit for a successful outcome.
Will you experience resistance and difficulty returning others’ problems to their rightful owners? Of course! No one wants their problems back. They prefer that you deal with them. And isn’t that the selfish part of the equation?
Conversely, we take on other peoples problems because we will feel guilty if we don’t. First, this cognitive distortion is called ‘emotional reasoning’- interpreting your emotions as facts. But, they are not facts. Even if you feel guilty, it doesn't mean you are guilty. Just because you feel obligated, doesn’t mean an obligation exists. Moreover, if you are helping someone only to avoid your own negative feelings, isn’t that the selfish part of the equation?
Being selfish requires a disregard for other people, as stated in the definition above. However, boundaries require you to be self-aware, not self-centred. You must set out clear expectations and limits, while honouring the expectations and limits of others. Boundaries are rooted in mutual respect. Indeed, clear boundaries are absolutely essential for trust in any relationship, both personal and professional.
Yes, there is a cost to boundaries. But there is a bigger cost to not having them- your energy, time, resources and sanity. And if you’re allowing yourself to be depleted, you won’t be effective in any of your roles and relationships. Boundaries are the ultimate self-care and the ultimate gift to others. They are not selfish, they are kindness we practice for ourselves and others.
Alicia
