What Rejection Sensitivity Really Feels Like (And Why It’s Misunderstood)
Welcome to the fourth part in my series ~ ADHD 101. Each part will address different aspects of working, loving and living with ADHD. As a psychotherapist and someone diagnosed with this disorder, I hope this series goes beyond the basics of showing what ADHD is, but rather shows you how different life is wired divergently.
Rejection sensitivity, sometimes called rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), isn’t just about feeling hurt when someone shuts you down. It’s a heightened, often overwhelming emotional response to the perception of rejection. And it’s especially common in neurodivergent people, particularly those with ADHD.
This isn’t about being “too sensitive.” It's about having a nervous system wired to react intensely to the idea, real or imagined, that someone is disappointed in you, judging you, or pulling away. It’s not a character flaw. It’s a pattern rooted in a brain that’s often misread and misunderstood.
What It Actually Looks Like
Rejection sensitivity can look like emotional outbursts. That’s the part most people notice. A small comment, “You didn’t reply to my text,” or “We need to talk”, can trigger a tidal wave of panic, shame, and anger. To others, it might seem like someone is blowing things way out of proportion. But what they’re witnessing is not just hurt feelings, it’s a flood of nervous system overwhelm.
It can also show up more quietly. Some people pre-emptively push others away, convinced they're about to be criticized or abandoned. Others avoid conversations entirely because they fear what might be said. Even neutral feedback or a slight change in tone can trigger hours, days, or even weeks of ruminating, analyzing every word and replaying it on a loop.
And often, the most brutal part is: the rejection isn’t even real. That’s part of the trap. The brain registers threat before confirming fact. Someone looks distracted, and it gets interpreted as disapproval. A friend cancels plans, and it feels like a betrayal. It doesn’t matter if it was innocent, the emotional fallout is already in motion.
Why Does This Happen?
That’s the thing, we don’t fully know. There are a few competing theories, but no single, confirmed explanation.
Some researchers think rejection sensitivity in ADHD and other neurodivergent conditions could stem from a lifetime of being corrected, redirected, or misunderstood. When you grow up being told to sit still, speak differently, follow rules that don’t come naturally, it can leave lasting marks. Over time, even gentle feedback can feel like another blow.
Others believe it could be rooted in brain wiring, a difference in emotional regulation, threat detection, or social processing. Some studies suggest that people with ADHD may process emotional stimuli differently or have more intense responses to perceived slights.
Still others think it’s tied to missed social cues. If you regularly misread subtle facial expressions or tone shifts, you might start assuming the worst just to brace yourself.
Most likely, it’s a mix of all three, environment, neurology, and experience working together to shape a hypersensitive internal alarm system.
What It's Not
Rejection sensitivity isn’t manipulation. It’s not drama. It’s not someone fishing for attention. And it’s not always under the person’s control.
That doesn’t mean it excuses harmful behavior like lashing out or cutting people off without explanation. But it does mean we need to reframe how we see it. If someone is constantly overreacting to feedback or feels crushed by the smallest criticism, they may not be choosing that reaction. Their brain may be wired to perceive danger and react before logic has a chance to step in.
What Helps
Awareness is the first step. Knowing what rejection sensitivity is and naming it when it shows up. This can help take some of the sting out of the spiral. It allows space between the feeling and the reaction. Mindfulness strategies (to pause before the impulse to react takes over) can be powerful tools delaying responses, until a reality check can be performed.
Therapy can help too, especially modalities like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) that focus on identifying and challenging thought patterns. Medication for ADHD may reduce the intensity of emotional responses in some people, but it’s not a universal fix.
Clear, compassionate communication also matters. If you’re close to someone with rejection sensitivity, be direct but kind. Don’t sugarcoat, but don’t be careless either. A little reassurance can go a long way.
And if you’re the one dealing with it, know this: You’re not weak. You’re not overreacting on purpose. Your brain is doing what it learned to do to survive and now, you get to teach it something new.
Alicia
Looking for the first three parts?? Check them out here:
What’s in a Name? Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder
The ADHD Brain and Emotions: Why We Overreact and How to Cope
