Learning to Receive: Gratitude, Help, and the Power of Yes

I have written a number of articles about gratitude - and  how the simple act of being thankful can have such positive results for our mental health. This time I’d like to take a look at the other side of that equation – the act of receiving gratitude. It’s something that can make so many of us uncomfortable. At this time of year when there’s an abundance of giving – carefully chosen gifts,  elaborate dinners, volunteering at events and gatherings, being on the receiving end can be surprisingly hard. 

If someone offers to carry your groceries, compliments your work or thanks you for something you did, what is your first instinct? Do you deflect, downplay and  politely refuse their help? You may even have been commended for your humility or independence – both praiseworthy attributes at times, however our inability to receive gratitude without mentally squirming can often be rooted in deeper patterns.

Why Does Receiving Feel So Difficult?

There are many reasons why receiving praise, gratitude, or acts of kindness can be difficult. Most of them can fall into the following categories, or mental-emotional patterns. 

Self Worth Struggles: If at our core, we doubt that we are ‘enough’, praise can feel awkward or jarring – it doesn’t fit our internal narrative that we are undeserving of gratitude. Instead of feeling uplifted when someone values us, we tell ourselves that they are just being kind, or that we are too humble to accept praise. Over time, our rejection of praise creates a barrier to a healthier self image. The very words or gestures that can help rebuild us are blocked before they can take root.

Fear of Burdening Others: are you someone who loves to help others, but feel that you are an inconvenience if you need help yourself?  If your first impulse is to say ‘no thank you’ when a friend offers to pick something up at the store for you, or a neighbour offers to shovel your driveway, you may identify as a particularly independent person. However this independence can serve to cover our discomfort with being seen as a burden. We may harbour a fear of rejection and worry that is we are perceived as needy, those around us will drift away. The irony is that it is in these small acts of support that we draw closer to each other, and refusing help creates more distance, not less.

Cultural Messaging: Western culture in particular places a high value on self-sufficiency. We are taught, directly or indirectly, that needing others is a sign of weakness, that strong – and therefore valuable – people handle everything themselves.  It as a belief that runs deep, and one that makes a simple act of accepting help seem like an admission of weakness and failure. In truth, we humans are social animals and in accepting help from others we build trust and connection.

Discomfort with Vulnerability: To receive is to acknowledge need, and to some of us, need can feel a lot like vulnerability. This can be challenging for those of us who have had to rely on themselves for too much, too often, and have consequently learnt to be distrustful of the world. We can feel exposed and unsafe, and yet it is precisely these moments of accepting help that allows us to open up and begin to trust again.

These barriers often develop as protective mechanisms, to keep us safe and protect us from rejection, shame, or the pain of unmet needs. But when they become our normal, go-to reactions, they hold us back more than they protect us, and keep us walled off from the very support that can help us heal and thrive.

The Other Side of Gratitude

Gratitude is not only an emotion, it is an exchange, a recognition of our shared humanity. The giver feels joy in the offering, but for that joy to reach it’s full expression and overflow into connection, that gratitude must be received. When we dismiss and deflect the exchange remains incomplete, like a gift given but never unwrapped. The act of receiving is not passive, it actively shapes our sense of self, our resilience, and our relationship to others. When we allow ourselves to receive, whether is be praise, or help, or a gift, several important things happen.

We reinforce positive identity: Every time we absorb a kind word, letting it sink into us instead of brushing it off, we create and strengthen a more compassionate, balanced self image.  For those of us who battle a vociferous inner critic, this is essential. Each ‘thank you’ we accept bolsters our self worth. In time, our perfectionism can soften, our imposter syndrome can ease, and the ever present inner critic runs out of things to say.

We reduce stress and burnout: Constantly refusing help to keep up an appearance of competent self sufficiency, is probably one of the fastest paths to chronic stress and burnout. We remain locked in a vice grip of over-reach and endless responsibility. When we accept the help of a friend or allow a coworker to take on part of a task, we signal our nervous system that we don’t have to carry the burden alone. That knowledge alone can go a long way in relieving stress.

We strengthen resilience: While this may feel counter-intuitive, we increase emotional and mental resiliency when we accept gratitude. Neuroscience suggests that both giving and receiving gratitude strengthens resilience by activating brain regions involved in reward, emotion regulation, and social connection. When we allow ourselves to accept a kind word, or a helping hand, we are naturally strengthening our pathways of resilience.

We Deepen Relationships: To put it plainly, people like to be needed. Receiving the gift of gratitude or support from others tell them that they matter, that their acts make a difference in the world, their effort is seen. By gracefully accepting, we foster trust, relationship and reciprocity, which in turn form the strong social bonds that are powerful indicators of mental and physical well-being.

Some Practical Ways to Practice Receiving:

Pause: When someone thanks you, pause for a second or two. Instead of brushing it off with “it was nothing,” let it sink in. Breathe, smile, and say, “You’re welcome.”

Accept: When help is offered, resist the urge to refuse. Notice how it feels in your body when you say yes, and allow yourself to receive that support.

Embrace: When praise comes your way, meet it openly. Instead of deflecting or minimizing, try saying, “Thank you, that means a lot.” Notice the ease that comes with simply acknowledging kind words.

 Receiving gracefully does not diminish independence or strength, rather it deepens the ties that bind us together.  When we turn towards a compliment, a moment of gratitude, or an offer of help,  we are not being selfish, we are increasing well being for all concerned. We are unwrapping that gift and affirming the value of the giver, nourishing their heart and ours.

Rebecca

PS - If you’d like to learn more about gratitude, check out: The Real Work of Gratitude: Small Shifts that Support Your Health (Even When Life is Hard)