Loving Someone with ADHD: What Neurotypical Partners Need to Know
Being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD can be both exciting and challenging, usually, at same time. When one partner is neurotypical and the other has ADHD, differences in attention, memory, emotional regulation, and communication styles can lead to confusion and/or frustration. But these differences don’t mean incompatibility! They simply require awareness, compassion, and practical tools.
Understanding the ADHD brain is a powerful first step in shifting relationship dynamics from blame to understanding.
It's Not Just Forgetfulness: ADHD and Executive Function
ADHD isn’t a matter of poor motivation or lack of care. It’s a difference in brain wiring, especially when it comes to executive function. People with ADHD often struggle with things like planning ahead, staying focused, initiating tasks, and following through. This isn’t because they don’t want to, but because their brain doesn’t regulate those functions the same way.
What looks like forgetfulness from the outside is often a reflection of challenges around the way that working memory functions. The ADHD brain has difficulty holding multiple pieces of information at once, especially under stress. That means important tasks, appointments, or even conversations can slip. This isn’t out of neglect, but because of how memory and attention interact.
Emotional Reactions Aren’t Always About You
Emotional intensity is another under-recognized trait of ADHD. Many partners find themselves on the receiving end of what feels like “overreactions”. This might show up as tears, anger, or emotional shutdowns that come on quickly. It’s important to know that these responses are rarely intentional. The ADHD brain has fewer built-in braking systems to regulate big feelings. That means once an emotion is triggered, it can flood the nervous system before logic has a chance to step in.
Understanding this doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behaviour but it can help partners pause and respond with compassion instead of escalating. Creating space for emotional regulation (like taking a break or having a script for tough moments) supports both people in the relationship.
Rejection Sensitivity Can Make Feedback Feel Like Criticism (Even When it Isn’t!)
One of the most misunderstood aspects of ADHD is rejection sensitive dysphoria. This is an intense fear of being judged, criticized, or disappointing others. This can cause people with ADHD to read negative meaning into neutral comments, withdraw suddenly, or become defensive in response to even gentle feedback. Comments like “we need to talk” without context or what a person wants to talk about can cause fear and panic.
This can create a tricky dynamic in relationships. The neurotypical partner may feel like they’re walking on eggshells, while the ADHD partner may feel constantly misunderstood. Awareness of this pattern allows both partners to name what’s happening and learn new ways to communicate with curiosity rather than criticism.
ADHD-Friendly Communication Strategies
Strong relationships rely on communication — but when one partner has ADHD, that communication may need some translation. Here are a few tools that support connection:
Use visual or written reminders. Don’t rely on memory alone! Shared calendars, whiteboards, or sticky notes help externalize executive function tasks. Use colour!
Choose timing wisely. Avoid initiating serious conversations during transitions, right before sleep, or in high-emotion moments. The ADHD brain often needs time to settle and focus. Ask if your partner has the time and capacity to have a conversation.
Be clear and direct. Hints or passive comments can easily get missed. Simple, honest language lands more effectively.
Avoid “you never” or “you always.” These phrases can trigger shame and defensiveness. Try “I notice…” or “It would help me if…” or “Can you help me find a solution to…”
Build Understanding Instead of Resentment
Relationships affected by ADHD can sometimes fall into a parent-child dynamic, where the neurotypical partner becomes the “manager” and the ADHD partner feels constantly corrected. Resentment can build on both sides.
**** It can appear like the ADHDer doesn’t care enough to ‘make the effort’ to understand. ****
ADHD is not a character flaw; understanding and compassion makes a huge difference. When both partners recognize that ADHD-related behaviours are neurological, not intentional, it becomes easier to problem-solve instead of personalize.
You’re on the Same Team
Loving someone with ADHD doesn’t mean accepting chaos, it means understanding where the challenges come from and working together to create systems that support success. Whether that’s using dopamine-friendly rewards, adjusting time expectations, or having open conversations about medication, partnership is possible.
The more you learn about how ADHD actually works, the easier it becomes to stop taking things personally and to start building a relationship where both partners feel seen, supported, and respected.
Alicia
PS – If this is your first time reading the series, you might want to check out these articles:
